nosdrinker: yo who’s going to Jay Gatsby’s party later
oncelut: my mom was upstate for the weekend and she was on her way home today and texted me and said “do u want anything from da stor” and i was like “mom why are you talking like ur ghetto” and she sent me this i…
husband: why are you crying
husband: why tell me
me: because i HAD A BLOG ABOUT YOU WHEN I WAS YOUNGER AND I NEVER THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD COME US BEING TOGETHER AND OMG BRB FANGIRLING HI GIVE ME UR AUTOGRAPH RIGHT NOW SO I CAN POST IT ON MY BLOG YEAH I STILL HAVE THE BLOG OMG CAN I POST OUR MARRIAGE PHOTOS ON MY BLOG TOO UGH MY FOLLOWERS WOULD LOVE THAT
I cannot believe what I am seeing.
a dramatic re-enactment of my thoughts while...
me: that's not quite hot enough let me just turn it up to boiling lava.
me: yes good i shall bathe in the waters of mordor.
me: why do we have like 25 different kinds of shampoo?
me: i'ma read the back of this.
me: lather, rinse, repeat?
me: why do i have to repeat is your product so shitty it didn't work the first time?
me: hold the fuck up i have to write fanfic in my head real quick.
me: if water is a renewable resource does that mean every celebrity i've ever loved has showered in this same water before?
me: but you didn't have to cUT ME OFF.
me: did i already wash my hair?
me: i think i did but i don't remember.
me: i'ma do it again.
me: FUCK I REPEATED.
me: well played, pantene pro-v.
me: i wonder what it's like to have sex in the shower.
me: i bet it's awkward.
me: i bet a lot of injuries happen that way.
me: okay time to get out.
me: where the fuck is my towel.
welcometothemadhouseasylum: FUCKING HELL YES, YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH
joachimloew: what if sergio is called to kick a penalty again and he misses it and it collides with the other penalty he kicked and then the galaxy explodes and that’s it for the human race
guajevilla7: ok ok this is going to the penalties it was really nice to meet you guys see you in the next life I hope I won’t like football because it makes me cry oh my god
my parents: come out of your room and be with the family
me: takes phone and laptop
loki-cat: snazzykaz: I HAVE BEEN WAITING...
Things that annoy me
kelseycantimewarp: slow internet when the internet is slow when you’re on the internet and it moves slowly that thing that the internet does when it moves slowly something that moves slowly called the internet
During a math test
Me: my answer = 23
Answer choices: 170, 195, 264, 362
Me: well 170 is closest to 23, so that must be the answer.
There needs to be a superhero condom advert.
castiel-sherlocked-in-tardis: allons-ywatson: kcnvrmnd: fuckyeahmagnus: theavengersinitiative: WOULD IRON MAN GO INTO BATTLE WITHOUT HIS SUIT? WOULD CAPTAIN AMERICA GO INTO BATTLE WITHOUT HIS SHIELD? WOULD THOR GO INTO BATTLE WITHOUT HIS HAMMER? NEXT TIME YOU HERO UP, MAKE SURE YOU USE PROTECTION. LOL, Ladies and gentlemen, the actual best thing ever. YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS ...
me: I like this character
elsantoiker: do you ever just want to run onto the field and hug a player and tell them you believe in them?